“When you let go of who you think you are, you allow the true self to emerge.” – Eckhart Tolle

Welcome to the Unbecoming series—a deep dive into the messy, beautiful process of shedding old layers and discovering who we truly are. This isn’t just about personal growth; it’s about tearing down the carefully constructed walls of ego and embracing the raw, authentic self that lies beneath.

The Threads Start To Unravel.

When I was in my early twenties (sighs in thirty), I picked up a book that would unknowingly become a lifeline: The Power of Now. I was heartbroken, grappling with the aftermath of a three-year situationship that left me feeling lost and empty. During one of my usual escapes to Barnes & Noble, I stumbled across Eckhart Tolle’s work perched on an end cap, as if it had been waiting just for me. Unlike the many books that found their final resting place in my bookshelf graveyard, this one captivated me. Fate or happenstance, Tolle’s lessons on the ego, ego death, and the art of observing your thoughts struck a deep chord. They became the quiet, guiding principles that carried me through the tumultuous years of my twenties.

Fast forward a decade, and I fancied myself somewhat of a self-taught expert on the ego and the intricate dance of self-awareness. At least, that’s what I thought—until my daughter was born. It was her entry into the world that brought everything into focus. Unlike the 23 year old version of myself that brought my son into the world , This time, I was new, whole and confident. The conditions were ideal: I was married, had a stable career, and even the birth plan was executed flawlessly. Just moments before her birth, I felt deeply rooted in who I was—meditating regularly, working out, and overall, just in a healthy and confident mental space It was that version of myself that made a natural birth even possible for me.

I think that is why the postpartum depression that followed her birth took me completely by surprise. It’s funny how post partum depression comes, a slow trickle of maybe I just need more sleep or more exercise or more me time that becomes an ocean of everything and everyone else you find yourself drowning in all with a smile plastered on your face. While post partum is a serious condition that I advise anyone to seek help on if you are experiencing symptoms, for myself looking back now, I can see that even this confident version of myself might have been just another ego trip—another mask, albeit a nice one. It was as if all the layers I’d carefully constructed were stripped away, leaving me exposed and raw, questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.

Looking back now, I can see that even this confidence might have been just another ego trip—another mask, albeit a nice one.

6 months later, once I’d returned to work and society I crossed paths with a mentor who was nothing like the gentle guides I had imagined for myself. He was stoic, practical, and brutally honest—a man who could deliver the kindest lessons with a razor-sharp edge. His constructive truth had no soft edges, no cushioning for the blow.

After one particularly jarring lesson that left me nearly in tears, he pointed out something that led me to deep thought. He said that while he believed me to be a good person, with good intentions, I had an ego—despite my belief that I’d unmasked it and that I needed to unearth the person beneath it. The possible truth in his words cut deep, and I spent days mulling over them, questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.

How had this ego taken root after all the inner work I had done on myself? Had it ever truly left? And if I wasn’t the upstanding “love and light” person I thought I was, then who was I?

3 Things I Know About Ego

• The Ego is a Master of Disguise: One of the most challenging aspects of the ego is that it often masquerades as our true self. It can convince us that our thoughts, emotions, and reactions are who we are. But in reality, the ego is a collection of beliefs, fears, and insecurities that we’ve accumulated over time. It shapes our identity based on external validations and internalized expectations.
• Ego Death is Not Literal Death: Ego death, a term popularized in spiritual and psychological circles, refers to the dissolution of the ego’s hold on our identity. It’s not about losing oneself but rather about shedding the layers of false identity that the ego has built. It’s a process of unlearning and re-learning, of breaking down barriers to discover the essence of who we really are.
• Ego Thrives on Separation: The ego’s primary function is to create a sense of separation between ‘I’ and ‘other.’ It’s what makes us compare, compete, and feel superior or inferior. Recognizing this tendency allows us to challenge the ego’s influence and move toward a more connected and compassionate way of being.

It was a gray, gloomy day—the kind that mirrors your inner storm. I remember walking in a fog, replaying our conversation over and over, each harsh truth hitting like a hammer to my chest. As I sank deeper into self-pity, I heard a voice in my head—a quiet, pained voice—ask, “Why are you doing this to me?” It stopped me in my tracks. I stood there, stunned, as another thought floated to the surface, fragile but insistent: “If I’m not the one bringing the sunshine, where does it come from?”

This question lingered, echoing in the silence of my mind. It felt like a whisper from a wounded child, a part of me I hadn’t acknowledged in years. My habit of examining thoughts, honed from years of studying Tolle and Buddhist teachings, kicked in. I grabbed onto that thought, holding it up to the light.

I? Who is this “I”? I am that I am. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t immediately think in terms of “I.” My brain simply switches into action, tackling the day’s demands. So who, then, is this “I” that I’ve been so intent on protecting? And if she doesn’t bring the sunshine to the room… who does?

“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” – Eckhart Tolle

So who, then, is this “I” that I’ve been so intent on protecting?

So here I am, starting over-ish—at thirty, with two kids, a husband, a soul-crushing career, and, apparently, an ego that needs addressing (what a mess). It’s funny, I first adopted the name Dani in fourth grade after we moved mid-year. It was the perfect time to reinvent myself with a cute, short nickname—far easier than my actual name, which often garnered funny looks and frequent mispronunciations (and no, it’s not Danielle). Now, as my youngest approaches two and my seven-year-old drifts further from babyhood, I’m reassessing the armor I’ve worn for years to support this Dani Smith character.

These layers protected me—a young mother navigating a volatile career, a child struggling to fit in at a new school, a people-pleaser desperately avoiding her mother’s frustration, a sister squeezed into the dynamics of a large family, the eldest daughter, the “little sister,” a girl craving stability in relationships, and a woman who brought her daughter into the world against the odds. But I don’t need that armor anymore. I’m casting it off, piece by piece, as I work to uncover who I really am underneath it all.

Welcome to the Unbecoming series. It’s not just about shedding old skins but about a deliberate, mindful excavation. It’s an unraveling of all the stories I’ve told myself and the identities I’ve clung to—a process of stripping away the layers until what remains is raw, authentic, and wholly me. It’s terrifying, yes, but it’s also exhilarating—a journey that I invite you to join, as I step into the unknown with open arms and an open heart. I just know you’ll love it here, as much as I will.